The Vast Tale of Hailey's Comet

How to live with your parents...again.

2008-10-15T18:42:00.004-04:00

So you're back "home" again after living on another part of the globe, living in your own place, traveling around the world for a year or... whatever. After about one full day together, you start to realize that the parents you had idealized and missed so much while away, are the same ol' folks you left behind, just how they were when they raised you, doing the same things that annoy you and get under your skin. So how do you manage to live with them again now that you've tasted independence and had your own space? I am in the midst of this very situation, and I am treating it a) like an experiment, b) like a learning experience, c) like a practice in gratitude and d) a chance to practice all of the four agreements.
Let's start with a) like an experiment:
What I mean by this is that you need to be very scientific about your parents when they start to annoy you.
You can almost analyze them in your head like a specimen, remembering that you both share the same genes, and have shared for a large chunk of time, the same environment. A question of Nature vs. Nurture? Or Nature AND Nurture - whatever way you approach it, you can then see if you can see yourself in their annoying actions or see why you do the things you do that have been said to annoy others. For example, if your mom often plays the victim in conflicts, instead of judging or getting angry, step back out of your emotions and get objective; perhaps this is why you've always been the opposite of a victim - sometimes overbearing, strong, forceful and even aggressive, as a counteraction or reaction to the way you saw your mother allow herself to be victimized and play the victim. I am learning a lot about myself by trying to be analytical about my parents instead of letting my emotions get all bent out of shape when they "try to push my buttons" so to speak.

b) a learning experience - again, allow yourself to learn through your experiments and observations about what has shaped YOU -what characteristics and habits have you picked up from your parents (or as naturalists would argue, INHERITED from your parents) that you can allow yourself to be aware of and choose to change or grow from?

c) a practice in gratitude - if you have parents who are anything like mine - loving, accommodating, generous, and accepting, then you have a LOT to be grateful for. Come to think of it, if you HAVE both of your parents, that right there is something to be thankful for everyday. Many have lost their parents to cancer or heart disease or rarely see them because of divorce. Try to think of the GOOD things about them every day instead of dwelling on the things that "get to you" about them. Let them know the things you love about them - be specific - everyone needs praise, even parents^^.

d) a chance to practice the four agreements - Ahhh, well! The Four Agreements of ancient Toltec Wisdom that can change your life if applied whole-heartedly. These require a whole blog entry to themselves, but for now let me just name them briefly: (in no particular order)
1) Always do your best. 2) Don't make assumptions. 3) Be impeccable with your word. 4) Don't take anything personally.
Living with your parents allows you to put ALL of these into practice, just as everyday life does, but you can make a special effort with your parents since you owe your life to them;o)
Each day, do your best. Only you know what your best is or how to measure it - it's very subjective - but at the end of each day think how great and regret free you'd feel if you could look back on the day and honestly say you did your best!?
Don't make assumptions about what your parents are "trying to say" or what certain things they do mean - have the courage to ask and communicate clearly and openly so that you don't misconstrue their actions and cause misunderstandings. This can eliminate a lot of conflict.
Be impeccable with your word. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Be clear. Be gentle. Think before you speak. Remember that your words have immense power to either make or break your relationships with people. Let them be a force of unity in this world and with your parents.
Don't take anything personally. Remember that your parents are people too, just older people, but they've been where you've been and that MOST of their words and actions - 99.9% are about what's going on for THEM, inside of THEM and are not a direct attack on you.

This is what I am learning, how I am managing to have a great time while at home for 3 months. I hope it helps you too!

Missionary Kid continued...

2008-08-17T07:01:00.004-04:00

When I was growing up, there hung in my family's kichen a frame,
with 8 photos inside of it.
The eight photos were of families in India who we were supporting
so that they could buy a goat or go to school or have enough food
so that they were well nourished. One in particular stands out in
my mind - a photo of a boy named Jarin Kumar, who had braces
on his legs and used crutches to walk.
We would get letters from Jerin every few moths, telling how we
were helping him go to school and get the medication he needed.
These photos hung above our kitchen table and we would remember
the families in a prayer, each time we sat down to eat.
This had a lasting impact on me and I am proud of my parents
for setting this example for our family. It brought the world and
some less fortunate people into our home, into our lives, and
was a daily reminder to be grateful for all that we had.

Her name is UA check out her amazing voice

2008-08-15T12:57:00.000-04:00

Sharing stories

2008-08-15T09:55:00.005-04:00

Just a brief disclaimer - although perhaps blogs don't need 'em,
after all, what is a blog for but to write about yourself and your
experiences?
Anyways, I wanted to state my intention for writing these stories
about my life. I have lived a normal life, I'm not famous, nor
have I saved money to build a well in Africa, however whenever
I tell people stories about things I've seen and done or people
I've known, experiences I've had, places I've travelled, I hear over
and over "You're a great story teller! Why don't you write these
stories down?" So I am doing it! I am trying to ignore the
voice of my super-ego shouting "you're so full of yourself
thinking people want to read about your life" and just
WRITING, getting it out, sharing about my life, and hoping that
it adds a bit of extra colour and life to the world.
Feel free to post comments, and if you have a blog, let me know
and I'll link to it!

Missionary Kid

2008-08-15T09:09:00.004-04:00

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a missionary.
And a comedian, artist, actress and singer, but on
and off for most of my childhood, I wanted to be a missionary.
Not the kind that converts people, no, the kind that clothes,
heals and hugs kids in Africa and India, you know, like in the
gutters of Calcutta, really in there with them.
I also had aspirations of being a saint due to being read stories
of the saints for bedtime stories from a ridiculously early age
(those stories are SCARY!) But I digress... back to wanting to be
a missionary.
My parents had weird friends, like people from mental hospitals
who hitch-hiked naked and owned bulldogs and who had no other
friends BUT my parents - friends who would spend what seemed
like hours meticulously picking the pulp off of their tongues
if dad forgot to buy the pulp-free orange juice.
Among their weird friends was a missionary family. The mom,
the dad and all the kids (about 4), were ALL missionaries in Africa.
They visited us once and did a slide show on our living room wall
about their work and life in Africa. I was maybe 6 or 7 at the time,
and being a very visual child, the slides I saw that day became
permanently etched onto my memory. There were gross
slides of the dad missionary doing operations on
African people's eyes, probing around in their fleshy tear ducts
- I was horrified but couldn't look away.
He was a surgeon, helping to prevent blindness and eye-diseases around
different countries in Africa. Imagine taking that in when you're 6!
All the missionary kids were strikingly blond with blue eyes. There
were slides of these really really white kids playing with these really
really black kids and they were some of the most amazing, beautiful
and unbelievable images I had ever seen.
I remember after the slide show, trying to play with the missionary kids
but not really being able to do or say much except stare at them in awe.
To me, they were like little movie stars I'd just seen slides of playing in
Africa, and now they were playing in my bedroom! Or maybe it was more
that they were like little angels or saints, but I was scared to move or talk
around them for fear of revealing my utter humanity and sinfulness.

This experience - having the blond missionary family in my living room -
was so bizarre and fascinating that somehow, soon afterwards I think I
tried to block it from my memory, or perhaps i decided I'd dreamt it.
But I knew I hadn't because every now and again we'd get a family
Christmas photo from them, all smiling and blond and in Africa.
Sometimes when I would pass the photo of them magnetized to our fridge,
I'd get this queasy feeling - the way you might feel when you
imagine your parents having sex. You know it must really happen -
you are physical proof, as is the picture of the missionary
family stuck to our fridge - but there's something impossible and bizarre about
it because it is not part of your living reality. It's weird to the point that it
creeps you out.

But on some deep level this family really inspired me.
There are a few other interesting things that lead me to want to be a missionary...
to be continued...

Temple Stay on Jirisan

2008-08-12T11:46:00.002-04:00

Wake up call: 3:00 a.m.
Monks leading us in silence up the stairs to the sounds
of dharma drumming that had begun before woke up - when do monks sleep??
Watching the amazing dharma drumming (my label) that summons the dharma of
the skinned animals, underwater animals and sky animals - reminding their souls
that they can reincarnate - should STRIVE to reincarnate as humans so that they might
have a chance to meditate and practice and follow the Buddha's path to Enlightenment
thus freeing themselves from the cycle of birth-death-rebirth to higher and lower levels.

4:00 a.m.
108 bows. I fail to do them all,
smiling and nodding at the grandmother bowing beside me whenever she stands from her
prostration. I am standing too, but I am not going down -she doesn't know this - I feel ashamed
but not really.
I did them before, joyously, at a different temple stay, but that was a different time
and my heart is in a different place. No need for explanations. My heart isn't in it.

5:00 a.m.
one and a half hours of meditation before breakfast.
silent, we sit on our gray cushions, 60 men and women (all korean except me - lots of black hair,
one yellow head) The head monk walks past us with a long bamboo stick - he will help us if we
start to snooze by whacking us on the shoulder with a loud CRACK! It helps everyone wake up
and stay focused, but it's a little intimidating.

6:30 a.m. breakfast - the ritual of the 4 bowls (the korean name escapes me now)
all done in silence - our spoons should not scrape our bowls.
I bring the porridge pot around and catch the ladle from each person's fingers before it bangs
against the side of the pot.
We clean our bowls with water and a yellow radish, drinking every last drop of the water.
No waste, no soaps or harsh chemicals, no chatter or banging, it's like we're still dreaming
in this silence of eating and being present.
Bow to your bowls before and after eating.

7:00 a.m. cleaning the grounds
the monks are all busying themselves around the grounds sweeping up
fallen leaves, raking gravel, cleaning toilets. Us too.

7:30 a.m. time for a 30 min. nap.

the rest of the day is a blur of hour long Zen talks, all in Korean,
more bowing, more meditation, more eating with the four bowls.
I last a day and a half out of 3 and a half. I wasn't prepared for this
strict schedule, I wasn't prepared to be the only foreigner.
I bow out and volunteer in the kitchen for the next day and a half.
It is wonderful just to be here, nestled into this sacred mountain,
exposed to the rhythms of this temple life which feels close to some kind
of utopia, which I am not yet ready for, or perhaps I am not looking for.
I journey on.

HOMESICK - but where's HOME?

2008-05-10T11:31:00.002-04:00

"I'm back with scars to show
back with the streets I know...
that never take me anywhere but here"
-The Weaker Thans

Listening to a Vinyl Cafe podcast recorded in Winnipeg, with Stuart McLean talking about the verbs he feels describe different Canadian cities - that Toronto "parties" and Vancouver "crowds" and Calgary "Sprawls", while Winnipeg "endures".

And it does Endure for me - that's where I was born, and as raw and flat as it is and as cracked and patched with tar as the city streets still are, it still feels like home, or as much of a home as I can call anyplace. My Grampa still lives out near Winnipeg, in Steinbach Manitoba. He still goes to the Tim Hortons every Sunday after church and does his meet and greet with all the old guys who are too crippled by arthritis to farm anymore, just like him. He greets the ones he still knows as he's surpassed most of them, being 92 years old. He meets the rest of them and asks them if they love the Lord and about their farming equipment, while Matilda waits for him in the booth nursing her coffee and doing the crossword puzzle.
And that's where I was born, though I moved away in 1988, but that is my culture - the farming mennonite clan that i don't fit in with but who always welcome me and feed me "Faspa".

Sometimes I think that's where I'm from, whenever i remember the eternal question that plagues me and pushes me and keeps me up at night - Where am I from? Where's Home? But I haven't lived there since I was 9 years old and my old street "tulane bay" just doesn't look the same as it used to.
All I know, now, finally, is that THIS Asian land of Korea, is NOT where I'm from, and for me, will never really be home. Where the business men stagger home drunk after dark and everyone on the subway fiddles with their cell-phones, never looking up to make eye contact, only to stare. Where the apartment buildings glare down at me and block the view that I once thought I could gaze upon for years from the rooftop where I take my cat to play. Where I am alone and different each and everyday but none of the locals try to make friends or take a genuine interest in getting to know me. Where at this moment I feel more alone than I have in a long long while and I can actually feel the kilometers stretching between me and my brother and my sister, my mother on Mother's day, and my best friend who is a new mother and I'm not there to hug them, and Skype just isn't cutting it anymore.

It's funny how it just hits you when you are done and ready to move on. Well, it just hit me tonight, and this time I didn't ignore it. I am done with crowded smelly downtown where hundreds of stores beckon with lots of pretty frilly clothes that won't fit me and the girls click around in their too tilty heels and the boys don't arouse me and wear more pink than the girls and no one looks my way except to point out that I'm a "foreigner". I'll never fit in here. It's been fun but even the singing rooms have lost their appeal and being there with old friends helped me to see that these are the old days I'm re-enacting and that my friends have moved on with their lives to do what they are called to do
AND LIFE IS WORTH MORE THAN MONEY.
Camping with a fire and endless woods and clean air and shoes that fit and friends that know me and coffee with my mom and a backyard for my cat to roam - those things are worth so much, more than I realized for a long long time. I wanna go home. So point me there, cause I don't wanna get lost on the way.

"Someone choose who's left and who's leaving."

"I wait in 4/4 time
Count yellow highway lines
you're relying on to lead you home" - The Weaker Thans

Today I Noticed

2008-04-17T00:12:00.002-04:00

Today I noticed
big black clouds of tadpoles in the pond
thousands of will-be frogs and I noticed that soon they will be.
Today I noticed that when I feel happiest
is after a hike in the mountains in the fresh sprinkling of rain.
I noticed that my body feels most alive when it hurts
from situps and leg-ups and tough love from me.

Today I noticed that what I want most are the simplest and most profound
the easiest and most difficult to find:
To know that I truly follow my religion with all my heart, which as of yet, I don't, so I'm looking for a way.
To be among people who challenge and love you and want to give their precious time to you.
To be invited and included, to feel I belong.
To be healthy and energized and sleep well at night.
To live close to beauty and be able to partake of the sights, sounds, and smells of nature
without having to drive.
To have a blank space to produce and create and have output - make my mark.
To find a way that I can be of service and not just consume
In a way that suits the person that I've grown into but that doesn't make me proud
and full of ego.
To learn to meditate and to pray with my whole heart and to get lost in the moment.
and most of all I want to notice
just to notice.

In honor of ARTIST'S WAY - spontaneous blogging

2007-10-24T13:08:00.000-04:00

Blumenthal by Ulrich Schnauss plays in the background
A twisting, turning, reaching, brilliantly colored, multi-media tree hangs on the wall in front of me
a marmalade and camamel-colored cat dozes on the brightly printed chair behind me
amazing bedtime books await me, to fill me with dreams and inspirations
The Artist's Way meeting awaits me tomorrow, where I will discuss this past week's struggles, joys, challenges and insights with two amazing souls. This 12 week course is underway, week 4 almost done, and things are shifting, life is springing, thoughts are churning, change is happening, and synchronicity is leaping from around every corner!
life is good, life is exhausting, life is full, life is what you make of it -truly- every moment!!

Flowers in Korea

2007-08-12T07:51:00.000-04:00

Finding an Abyss...

2007-08-12T06:55:00.000-04:00

I went for a walk tonight. The sky was moist and grey with low-hanging clouds and the sun had just set, adding deeper shades of grey to every moment I spent walking. Darkness and dampness was settling in all around. I walked to the edge of the city, and then past it, where the buildings get hemmed in by rolling, dark-green mountains. Where it starts to smell funky and strange and then I realized "oh! that's nature I smell!" The smells of mud and rain on grass, pond algae and wild flowers have become foreign to my nose. Ahh, the edge of the city, where a whole wild world begins beyond the concrete, which has existed so long it just reeks of time, resilience and things the city cannot comprehend.

I walked beyond the giant white-dominoe high rises and over the hill following the fresh incision of the new road through the hills. There, I came across a water reservoir surrounded by gardens - zucchini, pumpkins, peppers, grapes. Beyond that another reservoir, this one lake-sized, edged with weeping willows touching their reflections. And all around it, was space! Just grass and puddles. I gazed out at the vast, un-peopled, roadless wasteland below me, yearning to run down into its emptiness and sit by the lake, under a willow.

I wanted to savour this great day, on which I've allowed myself to just be, alone, with no obligations to anyone.

But I couldn't penetrate the vast open space due to the monstrous fence protecting its whole circumference. This space is colossal - you could fit 10 villages in it at least. I walked along side it for a while, gazing at its wierdness through the holes in the fence. In Korea it is so totally bizarre to see any open space, without human interference within it. Perhaps it used to be a land-fill. Perhaps it was a swamp or marsh. Perhaps it is a city waiting to happen. Perhaps the next time I walk out here, it will be gone, filled up with concrete.

Across it, on the other side pushed right up to it's edge were the staring, blank faces of more white-dominoe high-rises - the city of Gyeongsan.

I found an abyss today, and it was like a miracle, or like the calm area that must surely surround enlightenment.

World Without Strangers

2007-08-02T12:42:00.000-04:00

What does this mean?
I see it on so many korean t-shirts, and somehow I get it on an intellectual level.
Then I travel around a bit and BAM! It hits me at a deeper level of "I get it".
Koreans are wonderful, and so are any people for that matter, who help you, no questions asked, despite you being a "stranger". When you are a stranger, yet you are treated as family, it gives you a glimpse of what a world without strangers might look like.
Let me list some examples:
Waking up on a beach, sweaty, thirsty, and being offered fresh cold water and a free shower by the guest house I slept beside, not knowing it was there when I pitched my tent in the darkness. Instead of being angry and assuming I was too cheap to just come and stay at their guest house, they not only gave me water with a smile, they refused to take my money when I offered it for use of their shower.

Walking along the side of the road with my heavy pack in sweltering heat, and having 2 old ladies ask with concerned looks where i was going, and then having a man pull over and offer a free ride up the road.

Watching my friend heather being walked under the umbrella of a man 2 blocks out of his way so she wouldn't get wet!

Arriving late at a guest house in Gyeongju with no reservations - oh no, it's all booked! But they have a garden to offer me in which I can pitch my tent - "but what if it rains!? here, you can sleep in our small art gallery! oh no, there are mosquitos! here let us spray the room for you and offer you a fan and a mattress! Oh yes, and breakfast and the internet are free! Of course we can keep your bag here all day! Pay? out of the question, you are our guest, it's free (between you and me!)"

A world without strangers is a fine place indeed!
Let us all keep this ideal in mind, whether at home or on the road!
Unity in diversity! We are one family! The world is one! We can live in a world without strangers!

The Inspiration of the Dawnbreakers...

2007-07-24T11:52:00.000-04:00

It was hard for me to teach tonight...
I spent the morning reading from God Passes By
and my heart is hurting from reading about the vicious atrocities
committed against the early Baha'i's. It is hard to believe that those
sickening things happened to so many people just because of what they
believed.
And if anyone had opened their hearts and minds to what the Babi's
really believed, they might have realized they had nothing to punish
them for. Such ignorance!! It reminded me why I am a teacher, and of
the role I wish to play in the stamping out of all ignorance.

How can it be that I find myself in 2007, sitting in a comfortable
cafe reading about these unspeakable tortures and murders that really
happened, to Baha'i's like me!? It feels fictional because it's so
unbelievable, so horrible! Somehow I feel guilty to be sitting here
so safe and free, and unchallenged in my faith.

Could I stand up to my executioner and speak the words that Tahirih
spoke: "You can kill me as soon as you like, but you cannot stop the
emancipation of women." .... could I?

It is simply amazing that the faith withstood almost being snuffed
out, and today is ever growing! Me, a Canadian girl, being drawn to
the faith in South Korea of all places!! If there is a testament I
can make for the faith, it is with my own declaration. Words that
were spoken and messages that were taught many many years ago found
their way into my heart, a Catholic-raised Canadian girl, in the South
Korean city of Daegu.

This allows me to understand how the Babi's had the strength to stand
up in the face of such horror and to not back down from their faith.
For if the power of God's words spoken through his messenger the Bab
is ringing in my heart even now, how strong, how resonant must that
same message have been when so close in time and space to its source.

It is a strong reminder for me to take any slight challenges to my
faith as opportunities to teach it to others. To break through
ignorance and stereotypes surrounding who we are as religious and
faithful people. Reading about the Dawnbreakers is enough to make me
pray for challenges to come my way, so that I may grow stronger in my
faith and be connected - despite time and space - to those martyrs who
risked their lives.

Hailey

Pulled, Torn, bursting with ambivalent emotion

2007-05-28T13:38:00.000-04:00

"I've been having dreams and visions - in them you are always standing right beside me"
Who is it I'm longing for? Is it my soul-mate or is it my true self, and in that, God?
I am struggling with loneliness and yearning for a partner to share each day of this journey with.
Yet I need to be okay with myself and secure in myself and in my day by day learnings of how to trust God, completely.
I am here. Be it Korea, or Canada, here is where I am. The struggle to be present between two worlds;
my heart is literally straining from loving people in both places.
"With you I am revealed
All my shame all my faults and virtues
Behold body mind and spirit
Heart and soul devoted all to you...
Can I get a witness
There is salvation and rapture for the lonely"
Who am i singing to? How is it that I am growing into this sudden need for a soul-mate, a human to share
everything with, when for so long I have been sure I was called to be alone, certain I could never fulfill God's calling
to me if I were "tied" to someone, who would force me to compromise my mission for domesticity.
I no longer see it that way. I want the real, the full, complete knowing of every pit of another.
Is it possible for two humans to find this? And if they do, will they lose sight of their love for God in their total melding with each other?

MANDALAS

2007-05-19T01:05:00.000-04:00

Some recent mandalas I've created over the past several months. These are process-based and used for meditation, and the product is not important, therefore I hesitated to display them. However sometimes the results are quite striking, and I thought, might be a source of inspiration for people who view them. Each one of these is like a snowflake - completely unique and will never be duplicated. Also they are a testament to my artistic recovery. This is the first time I am displaying my art on the net!

Inspirational Quotes for Artists! (and we're all artists!)

2007-05-10T00:32:00.000-04:00

Out beyond our ideas of wrong doing and right doing there is a field.
I'll meet you there.
-Rumi

Wherever you are is the entry point!
-Kabir

If an Angel deigns to come
it will come because
you have convinced her,
not by tears but by your humble resolve
to be always beginning: to be a beginner.
-R.M. Rilke

It is not because things are difficult
that we do not dare,
it is because we do not dare
that things are difficult.
-Seneca

Let the beauty we love
be what we do.
-Rumi

Old Stomping Grounds - worth the visit?

2007-05-08T01:01:00.000-04:00

I wouldn't recommend going to your old stomping grounds.
I did it today, and wish I hadn't.
The way I remembered Tulane Bay was as a long, beautiful playground, with a fascinating creek running behind the houses in a back-alley full of bushes to hide and play in. There were sheep too, in fields that belonged to the University of Manitoba's Agriculture department. Today, None of it was how I remember it; a child's way of remembering is so prescious and I've learned, different from how I now see it, after almost 18 years away in the wide world. So here is my advice to you: Keep your memories as memories - don't go back to see if it's still the same, because it won't be, and you might shatter something precious.
I did the same with the Museum of Man and Nature. As a child I stood mesmorized below the display of Buffalo being chased and hunted by a native on horseback. There were sounds of hoofs pounding, Natives shouting, gunshots firing; you could almost feel the adrenaline, sweat and fear.
Today there are no sounds, and the display looks small. Perhaps they used to play those sounds on a tape in the background and no longer do so. Perhaps they were in my imagination. The impact it had on me is still with me, I'm clinging to it, despite the dullness of the display today.
Same with the Nonsuch, the ship display inside the museum. I swear that as a child it was huge, the size of a giant submarine, and there were cannons firing, and the sound of the crew, the clamour of war. Today I was sorely disappointed. Keep your memories as memories. There is no need to varify if they are still as magical as you remember. Keep them in never never land, don't break the veneer between those fantastic visions and adult reality. It's sad, but true!

God's Love

2007-04-26T10:43:00.000-04:00

God's love isn't an easy, quick-fix, feels good to the touch love.
It isn't fast and cheap. God's love is deep and silent and ephemereal
and brooding, like a well that continually runs below us.
God's love is hazy; it causes us to squint, and is brightest when it's
hidden, like the sun's rays on an overcast day.
God's love is all around yet we can't find it because we drown it out.
It comes in lessons that you can only learn when you find your stillness
and listen.

SPIRITUALITY CAFE

2007-04-14T02:36:00.000-04:00

London Ontario just became a cooler place for me to possibly live.
It has a Spirituality Cafe! www.spiritualitycafe.net
Tonight's topic: FAITH.
What is faith? You might ask? That's exactly what we discussed tonight!
more than 20 of us, all walks of life, different ages, from different parts of the globe
sat together, and peacefully discussed what "faith" means to us.

Passages:
"The first thing to do is to acquire a thirst for spirituality, then live the (spiritual) life!...The way to acquire this thirst is to meditate upon the future life. Study the Holy Words...;prayer and meditation, take much time for these two. Then you will know this great thirst, and then only can you begin to live the life!" -Star of the West

"The state in which one should be to seriously search for truth is the condition of the thirsty, burning soul desiring the water of life, of the fish struggling to reach the sea, of the sufferer seeking for the true doctor to obtain the divine cure, of the lost caravan endeavoring to find the right road, of the lost and wanderind ship, striving to reach the shore of salvation." -Some answered Questions

The Artist's Way

2007-04-12T20:55:00.000-04:00

THE ARTIST'S WAY
I've been reading and following the 12 week course of THE ARTIST'S WAY
and it has really pulled me up to a new place of creativity and helped me to overcome the muck of
artist's block, that has dragged me down for YEARS, ever since ART SCHOOL! Ironic? Nope, ask most
graduates of a FINE ARTS DEGREE and they might speak of simillar feelings of discouragement,
confusion, and paralisys.
I have found so many great quotes and inspirational thoughts in this book, so I thought I'd share some:

My favorite from today : "PRAY TO CATCH THE BUS, THEN RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN!"

in other words, trust in intention, in God, AND do your best, and you can't lose! There's no magic
wand! Praying doesn't mean leaving it all up to God while sitting on the couch watching Ellen! (I WISH!)

Oh and there's more: "God has lots of money. God has lots of movie ideas, novel ideas, poems, songs,
paintings, acting jobs. God has a supply of loves, friends, houses that are all available to us. By
listening to the creator within, we are led to our right path. On that path we find friends, lovers, money
and meaningful work. Very often, when we cannot seem to find an adequate supply, it is because we
are insisting on a particular human source of supply. We must learn to let the flow manifest itself where
it will - not where we will it."

"Any progress is made by leaps of faith, some small and some large."

"All you need to do to recieve guidance is to ask for it, and then listen" - Sanaya Roman

It truly is amazing the transformation I've been going through now that I am not blocked,
that I am allowing myself to draw daily, and to work with other artists in a safe environment
where no one judges you, a safe space to be.

http://paperartstudio.tripod.com/artistsway/ - a site about the Artist's Way

Canadian Baha'i' girl thoughts on life...

2007-04-12T19:08:00.000-04:00

Favorite Phrases:

Keep it light enough to travel

Live simply so others may simply live

I learn by going where I have to go

ARTIST'S PRAYER - by H.E.A.T. (aka hotcomet)
Dear Creator God,
A stronger, clearer me is emerging. Thank You.
Open my heart, mind and spirit to this new day.
Renew in me a deep trust and love for you.
Clear my eyes so I can see you in others and in the world.
Open my ears so I can hear you in the words of others.
Today I offer you these intentions:
I am_________________(see it)
I have _______________(see it)
I do _________________(see it)
There is _____________(see it)
I offer a special prayer for ___________ (see them)
Thank you for awakening my creativity. Keep it flowing
in my life and help me to pass it on to others.
Thy Will be done. AMEN

APRIL 11 was my 28th BIRTHDAY!
A wise friend told me about setting an intention for the year,
and since I'd already heard several times that 2007 is a year of changes,
my intention for this year is : POSITIVE CHANGES & FAITH
I know this will manifest in my life this year.

ANI DIFRANCO
Okay, basically she changed my life because when I found her, I found someone giving KICK ASS voice to feelings, thoughts and views that have exhisted within me for as long as I've been growing into a woman, so forever.

ON RELATIONSHIPS “I stand committed to a love that came before you and the fact that I adore you is but one of my truths”

"You are a miracle, but that is not all, you are also a stiff drink and I am on call. You are a party and I am a school night, I am looking for my door keys and you are my porch light." -(both from "school night" from Revelling and Reckoning)

ON LIFE “From the depths of the pacific to the height of everest, still the world it smoother than a shiny ball-bearing - so take a few steps back and put on a wider lense. It changes your skin and your sex and what you’re wearing - distance shows your silouhette to be a lot like mine - like a sphere is a sphere and all of us here have been here all the time, yeah we’ve been here all the time.” - Everest - upupupupupup

ON BEAUTY “Tell me what kind of scale compares the weight of two beauties, the gravity of duties or the ground speed of joy? What kind of guage can quantify elation - what kind of equation could I possibly employ?”

ON CHOICES “ But I guess this is the price that we pay for the priviledge of living for even a day in a world with so much worth believing in.” -School night- revelling and reckoning

ON SOCIAL JUSTICE "Why don't you give me a call when you decide you're willing to fight, for what you think is real, for what you think is right" - Willing to Fight - living in Clip

- "When you grow up surrounded by willfull ignorance, you have to believe that mercy has it's own country, and it's round and borderless, and then you'll grow wings and rise above it all, like there where that hawk is circling above that strip mall."
-Animal - Knuckle Down

http://www.bahaiblog.net/ - check this out!!

The Paradox of Our Times

2007-04-09T08:07:00.000-04:00

"Fuse the dichotomy. Blend the opposites, and live with both of these beliefs."
-Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

My parent's house with two cars compared with the Ersoz family bicycle.
Feeling broke with "only" $1000 in the bank - more than Virginia makes selling hand-woven belts in 6 months.
Walking through the Eaton's Centre feeling like I have nothing - teaching literacy to kids in Cusco, knowing I have more than enough.

ENOUGH
A dirty word in our consumer culture; a dying word because you can never have it, while it is what half the world struggles to achieve over a lifetime, for generations.

How can it be possible? But it is.
This is the mystery of life that I am constantly growing into, exploring at more depth consciously and unconsciously with each passing step - the paradox of our times. How can every truth have a contradiction, yet both still be true? How can each experience of joy be countered by one of extreme pain somewhere else in the world? And knowing this, is it wrong to enjoy that moment? Or is it essential to do so to keep the invisible scale - always tipping, shifting, teetering on the point of some increadible wisdom - balanced? The reason GRATITUDE is so RADICAL.
Perhaps my desire to travel (or OUR desire, as a collective generation) comes from wanting to break out of our western,comfortably numb position on the couch, watching different intensities of pain unfold in front of us from thousands of miles away in a surreal sequence of 30 second clips - and now THIS - and 2D tradgedy which (for us) ends when we change the channel.
For reasons I'm still obviously exploring, I started to want to see these far away places with my own eyes from a young age - let people's pain touch my own heart; But could I ever endure the real thing? My life looked less real when I contemplated the life of a chinese orphan girl or the poverty of India I saw in my dad's slides. Yet simultaneously these images paled in comparison with my own teenage anguish growing up in white, middle-class suburbia. So they weren't real to me. They were "They".

Now that I've been "out there" and seen some poverty first hand, is it any more real? I can LEAVE their reality, and once I'm back in my safe home country with only one lock on my door, these images once again seem to fade into the background of my mind as my western problems and reality take the forefront. Only now, "they" have names. Sultan, Serpil, Virginia, Luis, Quinam, Pak Tekno.
And I have pictures to remind me that I was there with them, "helping" them, but in reality I was helping myself to feel good about my own little contribution, hoping that when I returned home, the images wouldn't fade as fast and I'd feel a little more connected to the parts of our world that we westerners call "other".
If this sounds cynical, I can assure you that what it is, is my grappling with the opening question "How can it be possible?" or better phrased, "How can BOTH be possible?" and attempting to learn and live my way (with virtue), into the paradox of our times.

Suggested reading:
Radical Gratitude - Mary Jo Leddy
The Power of Intention - Dr. Wayne W. Dyer
The Lexus and the Olive Tree (Understanding Globalization) - Thomas L. Friedman
The Paradox of Choice (Why More is Less) - Barry Schwartz

3 months in KOREA

2006-03-13T21:09:00.000-05:00

Anyonghaseyo!
Time in Korea sure does fly by!
Daily walking down concrete alleyways,
past fish tanks with bizarre sea creatures floating in them,
just waiting to be chopped up and eaten.
Arrival at the giant concrete block that is my work,
stressedly rushing around the teachers room, photocopying
material that may never be absorbed or even used!
Walking into my six evening classes and enjoying that I now know
these kids on some level, I can read thier personalities at least!
Whenever possible I challenge them to think outside the box, to
think of other cultures, lifestyles, ways of living differently.
My daily hapkedo training is kicking my butt, but that's what I like!
I am learning to face ALL of my weaknesses that stare me in the face
each time I'm met with a new challenge of how to throw someone or
how to do a cartwheel or backflip. How to work past the pain that comes
from doing 60 sit-ups and 30 push-ups - I am wimpy, but getting stronger!
Weekends are great - time to explore the crazy city of Daegu, time to meet
with my new group of international friends for coffee and noodles, time to
meet with my Bahai community for prayers and reflection.
I never thought I would find such amazing friends in Korea.
You never know what life will be bringing you next!

Tale of Two Turkish Farms

2005-12-14T22:41:00.000-05:00

If I have learned anything from working on two organic farms in Turkey, it is that farm life is a different kind of food for the soul, and that farm women are the foundation which the farm is built upon.
Farm life is a more wholesome, earthy, yet pure form of soul food than anything you can feed upon in city life. Farm life quickly seeps into your skin and sinks deep, well beyond anything on the surface. Your body is working and sometimes burning with pain, but your mind is not swayed by it, as your thoughts burrow to a deeper level; the physical work becomes a focus, a pendulum that becomes easier the more you move. The more you move, the more your body finds its own rhythm. Time dissolves into your sweat, your thoughts flow on a deeper level of consciousness, you become one with what you are doing, and no longer think about it. A whole day spent in the monotonous movement of bending and picking up apples that have fallen to the ground seemingly vanishes, only to manifest in a quieter mind, a more placid heart-beat. It’s not something noticeable or exciting, but is missed as soon as your feet hit the pavement and the smell of crisp fall leaves is eclipsed by exhaust.
On both of the organic farms I worked on, the women were unbreakable, steadfast and impeccable at whatever they did. There was not a function on these farms that was not somehow dependent on these women’s skill and determination. A farm without a woman farmer and homemaker would simply shut down and be a shell without warmth; a production machine without any oil for its joints that would soon rust and become meaningless. The farm women I met were not isolated from any aspect of farm work – they did everything; from driving tractors to milking cows; from making jams to hauling huge bags of apples on their backs.
The only people who were isolated from aspects of the farms functions were the men, who stubbornly refused to have anything to do with the kitchen or with cleaning. This, it seems to them, gives them power over their women, who are the ones who wait on them and serve them. What they do not realize is that the women on these farms hold the power, as they are the foundation that the farm is built upon. The women are the ones who know the secrets of silent work and of being humble. May their reward someday be great.

Farm in Turkey

2005-10-27T09:16:00.000-04:00

October 19, TaTuTa Farm – Ersoz Family Farm
(Defenition of WWOOF: Willing Workers On Organic Farms)

How did I get here? How do I explain this? I am way in the boonies in Turkey – in a small town called Basmakci – on a small farm as a WWOOFer. Arrived in Cesme, Turkey only yesterday by ferry, and spent the night in Izmir with Allan and Louise. Then today, said goodbye to my new lovely Tasmanian friends at the bus depot, not without a few tears! Headed 3 hours south on the bus, then 3 hours East, and am now in a flat, farmland valley, surrounded by low-lying, but stunning green mountains, close to a shallow salt lake called Aci Gol, famous for its flamingoes. This day has been a whirlwind and now I am in bed in a cold room with three heavy blankets piled on top of me, in a house that looks like it was just thrown together by this family with random supplies.

Thoughts on the day: Few people in Canada can fathom this kind of life – people who only speak Turkish who have never left their village – let alone been to a city; women with incredibly work-worn hands, wearing kerchiefs. The women’s hands are all died red/orange – from what I am not sure but I’m guessing peeling peppers. No one here speaks English so I’m afraid this journal is my only voice now.
And whoops, the Bugday TaTuTa WWOOF office in Istanbul didn’t let this farm know I was coming!
Sultan, the wife and mother of the farm is so sweet with these clear aqua-green eyes and wrinkled face. She reminds me of the afghan girl from National Geographic magazine whose eyes pierce into your soul! When she looks at me I cannot look away, only smile, even when I don’t understand a word she says. Turkish sounds amazing but I barely get a few words.
I am concerned that they don’t need me here. Sultan was implying that maybe they are done for the season due to the cold. She wanted to charge me $ but I explained that I am here to work. I looked concerned when she explained (through gestures and me looking up words in my phrase book) that TaTuTa had not told them I was coming and that maybe there is no work now due to the frost. I asked about harvesting cucumbers – she said they are finished. Tomatoes too. I think she felt bad for me so she’s invited me to help with pickling. I just hope there is something I can do that will actually be of help to this family. It’s funny, I don’t know what I expected but perhaps not this poverty and this place doesn’t have the hostel feel that is usually the residue found on places frequented by westerners, even those who are into alternative-tourism/eco-tourism.

This is so the real way to experience a culture first-hand!
I mean, I am now right in the thick of it! I arrive at their house – thank God, because Vehbi was going to throw my huge backpack onto his bicycle and double me! They don’t have a car, of course, too poor.
Within 30 minutes of being here I plop myself down on the floor with grandma “Camilla”, and start shelling beans, and I mean a HUGE pile of them! I ask her if we are to do them all and she nods and laughs. Her hands are so leathery and wrinkled but strong and tough! She is sitting cross-legged on her butt in long johns and a skirt with several sweaters and a kerchief. She tells me she is 71, has 6 children and several grandchildren. Mehmet, one of them, Sultan and Vehbi’s youngest boy, is seven and constantly bugging me. He is bored and needs attention. He is home sick with the chicken pox. Sultan is thrilled when I tell them I am an English Teacher. She says I can teach Mehmet English – not exactly what I had in mind, although it might be the biggest help I could offer this family. Mehmet and I however, only get as far as “1,2,3,4,5” with a hand-slapping game involved to keep his interest – which doesn’t last long.

Tomorrow I am to get up for tea at 8 a.m.. I want to be up and ready to help. I was so blown away by the food we ate tonight – it said on the WWOOFing website that Sultan’s cooking is excellent, and it REALLY is! We had such good, healthy food. Parsley salad with fresh tomatoes, onions, radish – lemon and olive oil dressing and SALT. Also yummy pasta that is called “Macarona” or something, that was so salty, garlicky and had tones of olive oil – also a bean and pepper dish that was hot and yummy, grilled green peppers, Turkish bread and flatbread with homemade cherry jam, and then fresh pears from the farm, grapes and plums for dessert. And then, chai, the Turkish word for ‘tea’, with lots of sugar, following dessert.

Just the fact that they have already fed me so willingly - BEFORE I have done any work or proved myself to be reliable - has blown me away. I know it will be hard at times, (sorry, this is gross but reality - especially going poop in their toilet – a la “turk” style! – and putting poopy toilet paper into the garbage so as not to flush it and plug up their squat toilet!) Yet I had this thought today; how wonderful it would be to WWOOF all over the world!? What an amazing way to glimpse another culture, learn another language, work hard and learn about organic farming!!? Day one and those are my thoughts.

Oh one more thought! This is when I am in my element: When I am traveling, learning new things constantly and helping others, relying on the grace and goodwill of strangers. Volunteering keeps me real, and is medicine for my ego – helping others brings out the best in me because it’s not all about me – I don’t have enough time to brood and stew in my own juices. I feel welcome and alive in this new country. Turkey, nice to meet you!

About the Farm
Sultan and Vehbi Ersoz, their sons Mehmet(6), Erdal (16) and Muammer have designated the two, 3-person rooms, in the back part of their adobe home, for TaTuTa visitors. The house is situated among the same fields that the family cultivates. The toilet is alaturka and inside the home, while bath water is heated on a wood-burning stove. Meals are prepared by the ever-talented Sultan Hanim and guests eat together with the Ersoz family. Erdal is the only member of the family that speaks English but is only home in the summer months. Thus, the family would prefer that foreigners come while Erdal is home. The Ersoz family is one of the first in Turkey to have started organic farming but what distinguishes them is that, despite an unreliable market for their goods and losses due to a variety of causes, they don’t give up on organic farming. While the market for this years’ produce is still uncertain, we hope that the cornichon pickles, peppers, tomato paste, sun-dried tomatoes, vegetables and walnuts they produce this year will be bought and consumed at the deserved price by TaTuTa visitors or at local markets in the region.

France! C'est Magnifique!

2005-10-18T13:19:00.000-04:00

Alex and I had a super trip through a small part of the South of France. I say a small part even though it feels like we covered SO much ground – France is much bigger than I expected after Hungary (which is quite small!) and the landscape is so diverse! The landscape around Paris is quite flat and prairie-like, while further south around Toulouse, you get rolling hills and valleys. Once you head south towards the Pyrenees you get lush, rounded mountains and then rockier peaks, some with snow. Heading south, as you get closer to Spain, the mountains begin to resemble the Okanagan or California – low growing bushes and clay-like earth – but as you head east towards the Mediterranean, you get very lush hills layered in mist, which can almost resemble Columbia or a more tropical area. There are a lot of cactus (cacti?) and these huge plants that resemble Aloe Vera, and lizards too! I was nearly moved to tears several times by how pretty the landscape is, like something from a cute French movie! Every village is so neat because they use their space so well! There is always some ancient 12th century church at the heart of every town, and ingenious little bridges crossing canals, terraced gardens, and old French people gathered on benches to share the town gossip.
I have been very impressed with all the people we have met. Alex is not the type of guy who is against asking for directions (thank God!) so we chatted with a lot of strangers in every town we got lost in (most!) and everyone was so courteous, cheery, and diplomatic in their direction giving, even going out of their way to accompany us half way sometimes. And what a language! I love the way it sounds, the way people roll it off their tongues and are so quick to twist carefully crafted words into jokes. I have seen a lot of crinkly eyes here!
Alex and I get along quite well, amazing after only having known him a few weeks in Victoria! That’s not to say we never got grumpy traveling together in the cramped van (“Effy” - where we cooked, ate, slept and did the dishes) but we made a good team, and cooked lots of good food – even had porkchops and fresh sardines (not together!). Our age difference (Alex 21 – me 26) can be apparent at times, but overall Alex is very open-minded, curious and has a never-ending sense of wonder about life, culture and history.
One night when we were in Collioure, after climbing the biggest hill in town to check out the windmill, the view over the Med. Ocean and have a few sips of red wine out of the bottle, we stumbled across two kids who were doing tricks on a pogo stick. Alex immediately befriended the kids and was soon pogo-ing down the stairs and pogo-ing on one leg to try to impress them, while trying to learn new words from them in Catalan. Truly endearing!
Now we are back in Toulouse, his University Town, which is the youngest city I have ever seen! There are apparently over 100 thousand students in this town! The old city is fabulous, with crazy winding cobblestone streets and great bike paths that follow the old canal. Last night we went for Fondue, our first restaurant experience since my arrival (we are both cheap bastards!) And I was so disappointed I almost cried! I mean, it was delicious and cool to melt our own huge brick of cheese under this weird burner thing, but all we’ve been eating is bread, meat and cheese, and we basically paid an arm and a leg to have EXPENSIVE bread meat and cheese. We really should have tried something new. I am amazed there are not more fat people in France with the amount of cheese they consume! Today I am sticking to fruit.
I can’t believe my time in France is almost over, but I will tell you one thing, this is a place you want to come back to again, FOR SURE. So much to see, things to do, foods to try, castles to explore, landscapes to paint! I highly recommend it, France is not to be missed!

En France

2005-10-06T07:57:00.000-04:00

Hello i am in such a beautiful place - Carcasonne in the south of France! Cest Magnifique!
it is hot here and we snuck around an old castle last night and drank wine!

My best friend's wedding!

2005-09-20T20:58:00.000-04:00

Here are some of the best pictures from Corinne and Peter's wedding.
They just got married on August 27, and it was a beautiful late summer's day in Beacon Hill Park
in Victoria B.C..
Look how happy they are together! It just warms the heart! It was a wonderful ceremony, made me cry - I've never been right beside someone when they said their vows - and I guess my blubbering made a bunch of other people in the crowd cry too! Check out the cake! Hona - Corinne's sister in law (more or less) made it - all those white and dark brown spikes are made of chocolate and those are domes of pure chocolate mousse!
All together a lovely affair!

My new Blog! This makes me a blogger!

2005-09-19T02:15:00.000-04:00

Hey everyone! This is my first Blog entry ever! Wow, computer are SO yummy, i hate to say it, but I love my computer, I have discovered a whole new UNIVERSE! I also love that I got this blog for free, and that so much is available over the internet FOR FREE! It's revolutionary and has altered life as we know it! I want to keep this revolution of free knowledge, information, and SHARING spinning, so keep me informed of ways you are rocking the world through computers, and I will likewise share what I learn and know.
Here's me at the Sooke Potholes on Vancouver Island, British Columbia. I am tripping out on the super cool rock formations that were created by millions of years of water flow.
Although opposite to my character, water has always fascinated & inspired me (being a fire-sign - I mean dang! my initials are hot, and I am an Aries Goat!)
and has taught me a lot of lessons. (Read Siddhartha by Herman Hesse)
Best textbook in the world - nature. Study it, it will teach us all we need to know.
Wow, blogging makes me feel deep.